Classics on Counseling #3

This is our third in a series of articles on biblical counseling that formed us in SG. It’s by David Powlison and entitled “I’ll Never Get Over It” - Help for the Aggrieved.

Classics on Counseling #2

This is our second in a series of articles that influenced our approach to biblical counseling. It is an article by Edward Welch titled, “Exalting Pain? Ignoring Pain? How Do We Counsel Those Who Suffer?”

Classics on Counseling

Many of us remember the days of thinking carefully through our approach to counseling and the therapeutic movement.  But many of us weren’t even around in those days.  Over the next few months, I’m going to be posting some of the articles that were particularly formative for SG as we developed a Biblical approach to counseling God’s people.  My hope is that reading these historically important articles will be a helpful reminder to many and helpful new thoughts for others.

We’re starting this with one of the articles that I think was most impactful for us - David Powlison’s “Idols of the Heart and Vanity Fair.”  And also, thanks to Andy Farmer and Pete Payne who have served SG so well in the counseling realm including teaching this topic at the pastors’ college.  They have served us well in recommending the articles that I’ll be posting each month.

Tears May Tarry for Now: Trusting God in Times to Weep

When I answered the phone that evening, I heard my daughter-in-law’s trembling voice: “I just found out that my sister may have only twenty-four hours left to live.”

She immediately caught a flight to California, hoping to be with her oldest sister one last time. The next morning, I received this text message: “I didn’t make it. She passed away.” Her sister’s passing came just five days after the anniversary of her mom’s death, six years earlier. Of course, there were tears. Many tears.

Whether you are enduring the loss of your loved one, facing your parents’ divorce, discovering your husband’s unfaithfulness, abiding your teenager’s hostility, learning about your friend’s betrayal, or experiencing a breakup with the man you thought you’d marry — painful and perplexing circumstances bring forth tears. Naturally, we all desperately wish we could avoid such heartbreak, and we would do anything to prevent this kind of anguish for those we love. But truth be told, we can’t. This is the painful reality of living in a fallen world.

Tears Are Facts of Life

Tears are a fact of life and an expression of the pain we experience. The little book of Ecclesiastes prepares us to interpret our tears. In his famous poem in the third chapter, the author identifies seasons and times marked out for us in this life by our sovereign God, including seasons of sadness: “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: . . . a time to weep” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4).

If, for you, it is “a time to weep,” your emotion is not a deficiency of faith: God has appointed your tears, and it is appropriate to cry. While it may seem like you will never be happy again, your crying won’t last forever. Weeping has its time — meaning, it has a beginning and an ending date. 

This is not to suggest you will one day be unmoved by what is causing your tears; certain painful experiences will remain with us always. But Ecclesiastes tells us that God also has appointed “a time to laugh” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Or, as the psalmist puts it, “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5). Though it may be hard to believe right now, you will laugh again someday. 

Granted, in times of grief, it’s hard to see beyond our tears, hard to imagine past the time of pain to a time of mirth. But more is happening in seasons of sadness than we may realize.

What We Know (and Don’t)

In his infinite wisdom, our Heavenly Father is weaving the painful threads of our life into a grand design; he is making something beautiful from our tears: “He has made everything [even times to weep] beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Rarely, though, do we see the beauty God is creating. Our vision is filled with the devastation of our suffering and questions overflow with our tears. Why me, Lord? Why this? How can anything good come from so much pain?

It is part of our DNA to want to know and understand. We recognize that there is a bigger picture, a wider purpose for our suffering because “[God] has put eternity into man’s heart” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We want to figure out what God is doing, but we are stopped short when we discover that God also has placed limitations upon our capacity to comprehend: “yet . . . [man] cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). This ability to perceive, and yet not perceive, is a work of God.

In other words, both our desire to make sense of our tears and our inability to make sense of them have been ordained by God. As J.I. Packer writes, God “has hidden from us almost everything that we should like to know about the providential purposes which he is working out . . . in our own lives.” When we accept that we know something, but cannot know all, we will stop striving to figure everything out. Our angst will subside and a sweet peace will pervade our souls. We can simply cry before our Lord and trust him to create something beautiful for his glory.

Bright Spots in Bleak Seasons

To help us endure times of grief, God provides us with gifts each day, and surprising gifts, at that! “Everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil — this is God’s gift to man” (Ecclesiastes 3:13). Ordinarily, we think of food and drink simply as nourishment for our bodies, but they are more than fuel for living. As John Calvin writes, “If we ponder to what end God created food, we shall find that he meant not only to provide for necessity but also for delight and good cheer.” 

During a weeping time for me (and for my whole family), a friend sent us chocolate croissants with Samuel Rutherford’s famous quotation written on the card (only slightly reworded): “When I am in the cellar of affliction, I look for the Lord’s choicest [croissants].” Not only were those the best croissants I have ever eaten, they also brought me cheer in the midst of a bleak season. 

At this same time, I was helping one of my daughters launch her small business; not something we would have started if we knew what was coming. But each day as we worked from morning until night — setting up a workspace, ordering supplies, framing artwork, fulfilling orders — we realized that God had provided this endeavor as a helpful distraction from our pain. The simple pleasures of food and drink and work really are wonderful gifts from God in times of weeping. 

Time to Weep — and Grow

When we turn to God in our tears, times of weeping also become our times of greatest growth. Ecclesiastes tells us that God uses our appointed season of sorrow to teach us to fear him: “God has done it, so that people fear before him” (Ecclesiastes 3:14).

While it might seem like we have stalled, or even digressed spiritually in the midst of our tears, the opposite is true. God is at work in our lives to bring about growth in godliness. He appoints “a time to weep” in order to reveal himself to us in deeper ways than we have ever known. He is sovereignly leading us through this valley of tears so that we might come to trust and treasure Jesus Christ above all.

So, to my daughter-in-law and to all who are weeping: look to Christ, your Savior, who walked this earth, wept over sinful, suffering humanity, and went to the cross in our place. No matter how long and hard this painful season, may you find comfort as you recall the truth of Ecclesiastes 3: God is creating beauty, providing you with gifts each day, and teaching you to fear him. 

And one day soon, “a time to weep” will be no more. For God himself “will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

Carolyn Mahaney is the wife of C.J. Mahaney and a homemaker who has written several books with her daughter, including True Feelings and True Beauty. They are presently writing a book on Ecclesiastes. Carolyn and her husband have four children and twelve grandchildren.

(This article was originally published on Desiring God on March 29, 2020.)

Zoom Counseling

We’re into the second week of the Great Hunkerdown of 2020.  Most pastors I know have spent the last week reworking their churches into some kind of new virtual reality.  But we all know that pastoral counseling needs are out there awaiting our attention.  And not just a corona-related crisis.  People had problems before we went into hibernation and those problems won’t go away.  In fact, social distancing will more likely exacerbate issues.  People lack familiar escape routes that have helped them cope with stress and difficulty.  Often the people who are the most tempting to us are the people we’ll be sheltering in place with.  And ongoing isolation rarely helps anybody.

So, pastors will be counseling during the corona crisis.  The question is, how do we do it?  To quote Jeff Purswell’s excellent post from a couple of days ago,

As those who will give an account for the ones entrusted to our care, we must think carefully about how we discharge our pastoral responsibilities—and, importantly, not just the content of our ministry, but our methods—and never more so than in a time of crisis.

Jeff is talking about the public ministry of the church in its corporate gatherings.  We need to be equally as thoughtful in our personal ministry of the word in pastoral counseling.  The following are some thoughts that may help you serve your folks well in the area of pastoral counseling during the corona lockdown.

Mode

So how should we do it?  Let’s start with this: email is the worst. Don’t use email conversation for any counseling on serious or complicated issues.  This deserves its own post, but let’s just keep it simple. Don’t use email to counsel.  If somebody emails you with a counseling issue, set up a time to talk.  Texting and other kinds of real-time social media communication are slightly less unhelpful because at least you can have a real-time conversation.  But in a time where we can’t reinforce our care through personal contact let’s be careful trusting our thumbs to communicate our hearts. 

So that leaves phone calls and video chats.  Most of us have done enough pastoral care over phones to know the strengths and weaknesses of that medium.  I think people most people will extend a particular grace this season talking about difficult things over the phone.  The biggest issue I have with phone counseling is that one of our most significant face to face assets - the value of silence to let the Spirit apply truth - gets really squirrelly on the phone.  When I’m on the phone I’m more prone to fill those silences with whatever pops into my head in the moment.  Not good.  Also, the absence of visible body language and facial expressions means we are entirely dependent on content delivery.  That’s dicey. So be wise with the phone.

The remainder of this post will focus on video counseling - FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, etc.  This medium is being used more and more in the counseling world.  The jury is still out on the quality of the experience.  My guess is that the more people live interactively on screens, the more comfortable they’ll be opening up their lives this way. Don’t assume that translates into good counseling, at least as we are called to do it as pastors.  But right now it is a tool, maybe even a gift, that we can use in soul care.

Method

So how do we handle video counseling?  First, recognize the attention span limits of video.  In his Zoom talk about caring for the church on March 19, Mickey made the excellent point that attention span drops significantly after about an hour on a video chat.  So you need to plan for a meeting where you can get caught up, have good dialogue, provide care and then close in a loving, patient and caring way - in about 60 minutes. That’s a tall order. To limit the time you need to limit the agenda.  I think if we talk about this upfront people will receive it as care. Let the folks you’re counseling know you’re going to try to keep things to an hour for their sake, so you might be more structured than normal. They’ll get it. 

Second - environment dictates tone. If you are meeting with someone on a park bench in a city you may need to communicate sensitive things in loud voice to be heard. If you are in a small coffee shop with people all around you it might be necessary to communicate hard things in a very soft tone.  The point?  We need to adjust delivery for environment.  With video chats, you have two environments to account for.  You may have a real good set of earbuds and a nice quiet space. The person you’re counseling may be in an echo chamber with loud family outside and bad speakers. Ask them how it sounds.  Don’t assume they are yelling because they’re angry.  They may just feel like that’s what is needed to be heard.  Because you’re in two different environments it takes work to establish the tone you want for the conversation.  

Third - visibility matters.  I was on a call with my small group leaders and two of the couples were totally in the dark - they were sitting in a room with terrible lighting.  That can be a challenge.  Make sure you’re clearly visible to the people you’re counseling in as natural a light as possible. If you’re wearing glasses because that’s what you usually do when you’re on the computer, remember that can make it difficult to see your eyes or make them look really large and angry.  We don’t want angry eyes.  You also want to see the other people clearly so you can get at least a little of the body language communication. 

Message

Whatever agenda you've been operating on, it now needs to be shaped by present need. If you’ve been challenging a dad about weaknesses in his family leadership and he just got laid off, let God have the long term issue and you tackle the immediate trial. My approach is to let God show me counseling paths through presenting problems and not assume my assessment of the issues is always God’s priority for care in a particular conversation. 

Second, keep people wanting more, not needing more. By this I mean try to make the conversation a worthwhile experience for the people you’re counseling - especially now.  We don’t have those opportunities to ‘touch base’ at meetings or services, so we need to prioritize keeping their interest in talking.  Did you ever have that moment where a counseling conversation was going really well and you thought, ‘now’s a good time to add this little correction in as we’re coming to the end’. Resist the temptation. Don’t open up something that has to be shut down, or requires an extended time to resolve. My goal if at all possible is to make what starts as counseling end more like fellowship - shared experience in the work of Christ in our lives. With tenuous access to people that is really important right now.  Here’s a great question to keep in the back of your mind as you’re talking - ‘what Gospel truth do I want to introduce, encourage with, or celebrate as we begin to close our time together?’. 

Third - Have scripture in hand.  If I’m going to be meeting with someone on a video chat I’ll ask God to give me a passage of scripture to read aloud at some point. Maybe at the beginning, maybe at the end.  I may even print it out and put it on the screen for both of us to read.  In video counseling, the actual words of the Bible (not just sound biblical principles) can be a visceral bridge across the chasm that separates people.  Isn’t that essentially how the New Testament epistles function?  

Fourth - elevate the role of prayer. Of course, we pray when we counsel.  But prayer distinctively breaks down the distance that the video medium creates. Praying together with your eyes closed puts people who may be miles apart in the same experiential space.  We speak to a God who is equally present and active where we are and they are in the same moment and in the same way.  This is mysterious, but it is not mystical. Prayer accents our fellowship as saints, our communion with the Spirit, our mutual need for grace, our family privileges with our heavenly Father, our glorious calling as followers of Christ.  If you don’t know what to say, pray.  If you do know what to say, pray. Let’s teach our folks the value of praying together in different locations.  

Finally - is there a time when only personal contact will do?  I’m sure in some of our churches things will happen over the next few months where we’ll need to venture out and meet face to face.  I’m not sure in those moments we are counseling in the way I’m talking about here.  At that point, we’re standing with people in crisis, in abject suffering, in unanticipated personal loss.  We will still need to be wise in how we enter personal spaces, in how we love in times of coronavirus.  But as good pastors have always taken risks for their people, we must accept the risk to ourselves that comes with being physically close, even as we do all we can to mitigate the risks to those around us.  That requires another post.   

Andy Farmer oversees the singles and counseling ministry at Covenant Fellowship Church in Glenn Mills, PA. He is also a regular contributor to the Biblical Counseling Coalition.

Anxiety, Waiting, and the Coronavirus

Writing about events while they are happening is always a bit dangerous. It’s easy to encourage over-reactions and reinforce unhelpful panic in our hearts. That said, the COVID 19 coronavirus provides us with an opportunity to think about how we respond to anxiety. Specifically, I want to think about how we can handle the particular strain of anxiety that comes when we are waiting for a threat that is gliding toward us, its fin visible above the surface. Thankfully, Scripture knows the fear of impending danger intimately and speaks to it repeatedly.

So let’s seize this occasion to refresh our collective memory on how Scripture navigates this particular eddy within the larger current of anxiety. What is our comfort when a significant threat looms but has not yet begun to erode the shore in earnest? Let’s look at an unfamiliar portion of a familiar Old Testament passage to get our minds moving in the right direction.

Waiting to Plunge Into the Flood

After they left Egypt, the people of Israel wandered in the wilderness for decades. When they finally arrived on the doorstep of the promised land, they faced one last obstacle to entry: the Jordan River. You know how the story goes. The priests carry the ark into the river and, once their feet get wet, the waters part and the people walk through on dry ground. God repeats the miraculous provision of deliverance their parents had experienced a generation earlier at the Red Sea.

What we can easily miss is a little detail in the first two verses of Joshua chapter 3, and it’s this: the people had to camp and wait at the river’s edge for three days (3:2). Without knowing what was coming next or how they would cross. What’s it like to sit in your tent watching a river at flood stage churning by (3:15)? What’s it like to watch your children playing outside, knowing that they are going to have to somehow cross this engorged river, dark with flood-stirred sediment? What’s it like to look at your sheep, donkeys, and the precious heirlooms you carried all the way from Egypt that represent your life savings, and wonder if you might lose it all? How does it feel to know that God is calling you to keep moving forward, that he is promising to be with you, but that all you can actually see is a river whose depth you do not know, but of whose fatal power you can be sure?

It’s an easy parallel for us to make today, isn’t it? A virus is seeping across the world and has reached our shores, and we don’t know how treacherous it’s going to be. God is calling us to continue forward in love of neighbor and service to his kingdom, but all we can see are public surfaces potentially covered in germs and neighbors who may be walking vectors of disease.

Because of these parallels between then and now, it’s striking to reflect on what God didn’t do at the Jordan. He could have—but didn’t—pick his people up in a mighty whirlwind and deposit them on the far side of the river the moment they got there. He could have—but didn’t—part the Jordan so that it was waiting when they arrived, perhaps with the ground dried and a scattering of grass and lilies down the center of the people’s path. He could have—but didn’t—simply ask them to swim and float across, seeing to it that everyone made it safely and every sheep and gold earring was accounted for. These would have been equally miraculous and equally effective ways of carrying his children to their new home.

Instead, God chose for his people to wait and watch the flood, inviting them to trust him with all that crossing that flood might mean.

Waiting Well

God often calls us to wait in the presence of our enemies, doesn’t he? He often comes to our aid later, and in different ways, than we would like. We most like to hear the stories about dramatic rescues and incredible miracles of rescue from dire situations. But we most like to experience stories where God provides in boring, safe, and predictable ways, like full bank accounts, good health, low risk ministry success with high buy-in from the congregation, and so on.

God knows we need to be reminded of our dependence on him over and over again for as long as we live. Few reminders are more vivid or visceral than waiting by flooding rivers. Or spending nights in a lion’s den. Or watching for heart stopping moments to see if Xerxes would extend his scepter. Or waiting in the Garden of Gethsemane while your rabbi pours out his soul and sweat in anguished prayer, knowing there are dangerous men who want to arrest him and you. God knows that these reminders of our dependence are frightening and place profound strain on us (even when things turn out well in the end). That’s why he shows us that we can trust him and wait on him. He has been his people’s helper over and over and over again across the millennia—and he will help us now no matter what may come.

How then do we wait on him well, specifically in the face of a global pandemic? Certainly not by pretending that everything will be ok. We don’t know if COVID 19 will end up as a minor inconvenience to our stock portfolio, or if we will end up in a quarantine zone, or fall ill, or lose a loved one. Waiting well in the face of our anxiety about a coming danger means taking seriously the reality of the danger. Our God takes our lives and our sufferings very seriously indeed, and “he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone” because he cares for us and for the things we care for (Lam 3:33). And when through the deep waters he calls us to go, he makes sure that the rivers of sorrow do not overflow, for “though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love” (Lam 3:32–33).

I’ll close with one last thought about how you and I can wait on the banks of this river, even as its flood is swelling:

Pour out your anxieties to your Father in Heaven. Do not churn fruitlessly inside your own heart with worries about school closings, travel plans, economic downturns, or the potentially infected surfaces you’ve touched! When you are afraid, turn to him. Cast your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. In fact, let handwashing or rubbing on hand sanitizer become a moment in which you consciously entrust yourself and the future of everyone you care about into his hands.

To spend our time frantically strategizing about how we’ll cross the flooded river is so instinctive, even though it is also foolish and needless. So do wash your hands, and do what is wise about working from home, or calling your doctor. But don’t let yourself for a moment forget where your true safety lies. After all, you don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but you do know the one who parts raging rivers…and who has already parted the last river for you, blocking its flow with his blood-soaked cross! That final crossing you will indeed find already open and waiting for you. And on the far side of that river you’ll fear and wait no more.

This article was written by Alasdair Groves and originally published on the CCEF website on March 11, 2020. He serves as CCEF’s executive director, and also as a faculty member and counselor.

4 Guidelines for Addressing “Mindfulness”

A businesswoman in my church approached me with a question about a training program for upper level management in her company. She had been given a book called Search Inside Yourself, written by Chade-Meng Tan, an executive at Google whose official corporate title is “Jolly Good Fellow.” Meng was one of Google’s earliest engineers who matriculated into a role in corporate culture oversight with the search engine giant. Meng’s current job description is threefold: “Enlighten minds, open hearts, create world peace.” Along with all other senior level staff, my friend was being required to read the book as a continuing training project. She wanted to know what I thought of it.

This gave me the opportunity to look more closely at something that I’m seeing as a pastor with increasing frequency. Meng’s book is one of the more well-known popular treatments of what is known in the therapeutic world as “mindfulness.” If you aren’t familiar with mindfulness, you will be. It is the current shelf-filler in self-help literature. As I talk with folks in my church who work in the mental health field, it is also one of the rising stars in therapy for a broad range of mood and thought disorders. It is also growing as a recommended self-care tool for therapists.

Mindfulness: What Is It?

What is mindfulness? There is no standard definition, but the following from Psychology Today captures most of the features of mindfulness as it is understood at popular and therapeutic levels.

“Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass by you, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

Mindfulness comes out of Zen Buddhist meditation principles. The key components of mindfulness from the above definition are a conscious effort to focus on the present moment, withholding judgment on any thought feeling or sensation of that moment, and then learning to think and act out of the reality of that moment rather than allowing instinctive but unproductive emotional and thinking patterns to drive your responses to life situations. The basic tools of mindfulness are meditation exercises and relaxation techniques.

Mindfulness has cache in the psychological community as an evidence-based practice with studies showing measurable benefits of its use as both a therapy methodology and as training for therapists. Mindfulness has been most closely linked with Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy, but has also developed into specialized treatment regimens in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT). According to the professionals I interacted with, it is “a hot thing” in the mental health community these days.

Mindfulness: Where Is It?

The purpose of this post is to help pastors and biblical counselors to biblically, wisely, and constructively engage this trend as it engages our churches and people. And it most certainly does and will engage us.

You will encounter it like I did through the question of a church member who has to deal with it as a workplace requirement. What Google does, other businesses tend to follow, and Google does mindfulness. You’ll engage it through the parents in your church where the concept of “mindful schools” is growing as an educational model. You’ll engage it because there are growing “Christian mindfulness” networks and resources that seek to screen out the eastern philosophy of mindfulness and replace it with Christian concepts. And you’ll engage it because there will be Christians who see the devil in the Zen underlying mindful practices and who will let you know about it.

But mostly you will engage it because at one level it “works.” Yes, at its functional level, mindfulness works. We live distracted, over-stimulated, multitasking, stress-fueled lives. And we experience the short-term (sleep disorders, anxiety, etc.) and long-term (health consequences, relational estrangement, etc.) effects of that kind of lifestyle. So, it would stand to reason that something radically different from that way of doing life; something that can be done anywhere, at any time, without any cost and requiring very little natural skill would be beneficial. It should work if for no other reason than to interrupt our bad habits with a conscious and focused alternative “time out.”

But just because it works, is it wise and worth pursuing? I want to offer four guidelines for addressing the issue of mindfulness in a pastoral setting. Knowing how to engage mindfulness with biblical wisdom and clarity is important if we are to help people tossed around by the latest waves in popular psychology.

Mindfulness: How Do We Wisely Address It?

First, let’s not try to baptize, rebrand, or reboot mindfulness as a biblically-derived practice. I’ve seen some well-meaning Christians attempt to locate mindfulness in the practices of the Christian mystics—an attempt that tends to overlook the less orthodox aspects of that tradition.

And while there are plenty of places where biblical thinking and responsiveness to life situations call us to govern our minds and emotions, the fact that the roots of mindfulness practice remain in the Zen worldview can’t be reconciled with biblical faith. At the heart of Zen mindfulness is the understanding that we are connected to the cosmos in a holistic way and that meditation actuates that connectedness. That is Zen reality. But in truth—biblical truth—we are distinct individuals created as image bearers, not of the cosmos, but of a Personal God who is the determiner of the reality we engage. Zen is an escape from true reality, not an engagement with it.

Second, let’s advocate and encourage what the Bible does warrant as better than mindfulness. Dwelling on negative past experiences: mindfulness says don’t do it; biblical faith says we have been born again to a living hope (1 Peter 1:3-5). Worrying about the future: mindfulness says don’t do it. Biblical faith says the future is in the hands of a wise and loving God who works all things out for ultimate good (Romans 8:28-39—there’s a cosmic reality worth pondering!). Mindfulness says focus your mind in the moment: biblical faith says think on things above, where Christ is (Colossians 3:2-3). Mindfulness says don’t judge your thinking and feeling; biblical faith says it has already been judged, and you have been given the mind of Christ and have been filled with the Spirit (1 Corinthians 2:14-16). Mindfulness says being in the moment is the way. Jesus says, “I am the way” (John 14:6).

I could go on and on, but you get the point. The problem with mindfulness in its fully-orbed expression is not just that it points in the wrong direction; it sells the depth of human experience far short when compared with the riches of knowing Christ. The message of the gospel is good news that mindfulness can never match.

Third, let’s help folks discern fad from substance. As always, once something that has some credibility on a therapeutic level emerges into the self-help world, it goes over the top. Claims of effectiveness get wildly overstated and substantiation for those claims rests primarily on testimonials and misapplied “scientific studies.” A few celebrity practitioners and authorities will flood the market with books, seminars, and high concept multi-media. We can serve our folks by gently helping them distinguish the fad and hype self-help economy that targets the felt needs of people while offering little more than jazzed up, effectively-packaged common sense. This acquired discernment will help them with mindfulness and whatever next big thing comes down the self-help pike.

Fourth, let’s guide people compassionately toward biblical wisdom. In the more conservative Christian cultures in which most of us serve, anything that smacks of mysticism or Eastern philosophy will and should hit our radar as a concern. But too often at the street level of our churches we become known for what we’re against, and that can limit our opportunities to guide people toward biblical wisdom. We can’t help people learn to drive if they won’t let us in the car. Besides, if someone has been helped by mindfulness practices, then we won’t serve them by telling them they haven’t been helped. We’re better off helping them to see what is actually helpful about what they are doing. Stripping the Zen components away, mindfulness might be most akin to exercise.

I like to come home from the office and jog. Is it because I love running? No, it’s because the act of running forces me to only think in the moment (in my case, surviving my run). I go into the run with the cares of the day; I come out with a clearer head and various clinically confirmed physiological benefits that come from physical exercise. Mindfulness activities like controlled breathing and focus on clearing the mind of distractions essentially do the same thing. Let’s be committed to careful listening and wise counseling as we talk about this issue with folks we serve.

Winston Smith and Cecelia Bernhardt offer some great practical insights for counselors who are engaging clients on mindfulness in a podcast here.

This article was originally published on the Biblical Counseling Coalition website on May 13, 2015

3 Differences in the Ministries of Pastoral Counselors and Vocational Counselors

BCC Staff Note: You’re reading Part 2 of a multi-part BCC Grace & Truth blog series on Biblical Counseling in the Local Church. Read Part 1. We asked a number of experienced biblical counselors who provide biblical counseling leadership and equipping in local churches to write on “a topic you consider important to local church biblical counseling.” We’re confident that their varied perspectives and topics will add greatly to your insight into biblical counseling in the local church.

Working Together or Suspicion? 

One thing I’ve appreciated about the biblical counseling movement as it has developed over the past few years is how local church pastors and vocational counselors are finding common ground. Pastors are becoming more envisioned and skilled in counseling and counselors are becoming more holistically pastoral in their approaches. And both obviously share common conviction that true biblical change is nurtured and walked out in real local church community.

However, there often seems to be an undercurrent of suspicion and even competition between vocational counselors and pastoral counselors that I fear hinders effective soul care in the Christian community. As a pastor embedded in the local church, I confess that when I hear someone say they are meeting with a counselor (even a biblical one!), my heart response can be, “So, you don’t think God’s provision for care in his church is sufficient for YOUR problem? Oh well; good luck out there.”

But the suspicion runs the other way as well. I’ve talked to a number of counselors who just assume that people come to them because they are being failed by their local church. As one counselor said to me, “pastors just farm people out to us to get them fixed and back into service.”

One thing that inhibits a more cooperative engagement between pastoral counselors and vocational counselors is a lack of understanding of how each engages the counseling process from a different perspective. I think we could all benefit from thinking through the differences in pastoral counseling and vocational counseling, and learning how to work with those differences, not against them. The following are a three differences in pastoral and vocation counseling based on my experience, conversations with vocational counselors, and counseling observation classes I’ve taken.

Difference in Role

A vocational counselor’s relationship with a counselee is determined by mutual agreement that is expressed in a context of formal meetings, usually on a fee basis. For the most part the ‘ministry’ of care and counsel occurs within the scheduled meeting times. The initiation of counseling is in some sense voluntary by the counselee based on a specific “presenting problem” that then becomes the focus of the counseling experience. The benefit of this is that focus can be maintained on a specific problem area in a person’s life and progress can be managed along those lines. A downside is that the counselor has very little ability to help a person in the context of their life and relationships.

A pastor’s role in a person’s life is determined by their mutual participation in a local church and is expressed in a shared life of community among God’s people. Usually a relationship exists before counseling ever occurs, and will continue after any counseling goals are accomplished.  The benefit of this is that a fully orbed relationship allows both formal and informal ministry to a person in their life context at point of need, not just in scheduled appointments. A downside can be that people don’t always arrive at pastoral counseling on a “voluntary basis” and this can make common goals for counseling a challenge to establish.

Difference in Preconception

A pastor has access to a significant amount of insight into a person’s life through observation and interaction in the life of the church. Data is more than abundant; the challenge can be approaching a person in counseling without preconceived ideas of what change should look like for them.

A vocational counselor typically depends on developing observations about a person based on what is shared and revealed in counseling sessions and homework. This can leave very important data beyond reach. But a benefit is that the counselor usually brings fewer preconceptions about a person and their problems into play because they simply don’t know enough to develop them.

Difference in Relationship

A person in formal counseling will relate to the counselor on a professional basis and will evaluate the competency of the counselor based on very professionalized personal interactions. A counselee doesn’t really ask about the character of the counselor; as long as the counselor is relatable, skilled, and knowledgeable in the area of their concern.

A person under pastoral care will evaluate the competency of the pastor based not only on personal experience in counseling, but observations of the pastor’s life outside the counseling experience as well. A pastoral counseling relationship can be either positively or negatively affected by situations that have no connection to the specific care a person is receiving in counseling.

Join the Conversation

You may not agree with some of my distinctions. I’d love to hear if you think differently, or if you see others. But  I believe both pastors and vocational counselors need to understand each other’s arenas of impact in order to do the ministry of biblical counseling among God’s people.

This article was originally published on the Biblical Counseling Coalition website on June 5, 2012.

How Do We Help Family and Friends of a Person Struggling with Depression?

BCC Staff Note: You’re reading the first in a four-part BCC Grace & Truth blog series on biblical counseling and depression. Few issues are more painful. God’s Word provides us with wisdom for addressing depression with compassion so we can care well and wisely.

Helping the Helper

An experienced counselor once told me something that really made sense. “You can’t counsel someone who is not there.”

The advice came as I was telling him about a situation where someone was asking me how to help a friend battling depression. This well-intentioned person wanted answers he could bring to his friend that would spring him from his debilitating struggle. He wanted info to pass on, some insight that would unlock the depression problem. However, the long, slow, aching experience of depression defies quick fixes and easy cures. And it frustrates everyone involved.

One of the foundational principles of biblical counseling is that we are helping people embedded in some type of relational context. With depression counseling, in particular, I’ve learned that much of my ministry over time will be to the relational network around a depressed person. My help to a depressed person is sometimes most felt by those friends and family members who either by circumstance or choice find themselves groping in the darkness of a loved one’s depression.

So how do we help those who are trying to help with depression? Here are some ways we can serve.

Recognize and acknowledge the different stakes in the experience.

All those close to a depressed person want to help, but not everyone for the same reasons. Some are there because they choose to be; but many are there (spouse, parents, children, etc.) because they’ve been thrust into a circumstance they can’t resolve. Where people see themselves in relationship to a depressed person has a profound effect on their resolve and investment in the care required over time.

Perspective is crucial and information is key.

We all have different ideas of what depression is, how it works and what makes a difference. A shared body of good information and perspective on the physical, mental, situational, and spiritual aspects of depression can help immensely in communication. For Christians, this should include (perhaps most importantly) sound biblical handles on what may be happening, and a consistent gospel lens so that faith, hope, and love are not casualties of the trial.

Depression ministry is siege warfare.

My friend Barb Hyatt is a counselor with many years ministering to depressed people. She hit it right when she told me that, “It can be depressing caring and living with a depressed family member.”

The unforeseeable future and the lack of any evidence of change in a depressed person’s outlook will be discouraging. Relational attrition—the loss or withdrawal of people from the front line of care—is almost inevitable.

Help the person’s relational network balance the hard fight of ministry so that no one is feeling the full weight of care alone. Help those who are tempted to just “back off” find small ways to express care and stay invested in the process. Maybe most helpful, gather together regularly in prayer for the struggling friend—and for each other.

Be a safety net.

Family and friends can function as a safety net for a person in depression. They need to consciously see this as part of their role. If a person has been prescribed medication, are they taking it appropriately? Are there side effects or drug interactions that might be affecting the person? How is the person sleeping?  Do you see any changes that seem like a further downward spiral? Are they withdrawing? Does the person struggling have someone (a pastor, a counselor) whose function is to specifically help them deal with their depression? How is that relationship working?

And, most crucial, if someone begins to use language that says they want to give up or end it all, what should you do? Do those around that person have a plan or a protocol they’ve all agreed to follow if concerns about suicide become an issue? Do they know what to look for and how to respond? Counselors can provide significant linkage and support in the safety net of a depressed person’s life.

Listen and converse.

My counselor friend Barb had some great thoughts on this: “Your presence and love and acceptance are most important. Try to understand what he or she is thinking and feeling. Ask questions to clarify, not simply to challenge.

You can validate that they are feeling very sad or are in severe emotional pain. You cannot change their thoughts or feelings. It will help him or her to verbalize thoughts and feelings, and may lead eventually to alternate views. You don’t have to tell them to hope, but you can say you have hope for them.”

Be okay with small normals.

In a sense, depression is one part of normal human experience—sadness—overtaking a life. Ultimately, the lifting of a depression may not look like “happy.” It may look like an ability for other aspects of “normal” to increasingly express themselves in a depressed person’s daily life.

Family and friends can encourage this. Talk about normal things, watch movies, listen to music, take walks, encourage small steps, recount shared memories. Depression says, “You are not worth the space you take up.” Relationship says, “You are important to who we all are.” That is the normal they need to hear from us.

Join the Conversation

If you are counseling family and friends of a person struggling with depression, how aware are you of the social and relational network of the person you’re trying to help?

What is your role there? How can you serve the many who are seeking to live with the one?

If you’re not doing this valuable ministry, who can help them care well in the cloudy shadows of depression?

This article was originally published on the Biblical Counseling Coalition website on January 29, 2014